A bright idea is to ask yourself what do you think makes a relationship successful or “good”

.Here are some answers given by present and past clients:

We share some secrets.

We know about each other’s dreams and expectations.

Our first date is fresh in my mind.

We have similar friends and separate friends.
We discuss things regularly.

When are apart I think fondly but not longingly of him.

I feel I come home to my partner whenever we meet up.

The fun we have together does not interfere with the fun we have apart.

I know about her family dynamics and although they are different to mine, we work through the differences.

We disagree, we talk, we negotiate, we compromise.

He listens to me. She listens to me.

My ability to put my hand up when I make a mistake is the Holy Grail.

Sex is pretty good most of the time.

I feel strong in myself and not overtaken by him

I am myself with her and can speak about anything.

We see conflict is a healthy component in our relationship. It tells us there are things to discuss, not things to drive us apart.

Our finances are managed together, equally with separate bank accounts, and a common account for the house.

We seem to synchronise on many things— sex, energy, sleep... and he feels the same about my energy levels.

I love her for what she is, not for what I want.

If we get stuck in an argument we agree to take a break before we lose our temper.

A great sense of humour.

He thinks I am funny.

When I am tired I sometimes say hurtful things and she recognises this and waits till later to talk about it. This makes being in our relationship easier.

He wants to talk with me anytime.

When we disagree that is all it is. It is not an attack.

Knowing that when he wants to be alone it is not a threat to me or the relationship.

Being in a partnership is more important than getting what I want.

He is my best friend.

She is my best friend.

Friendship — the Foundatione

If it seems obvious that enduring relationships are founded on friendship, then the question arises, why is it so difficult to hook up with someone that mostly we are friends with and we have a successful long-term intimate relationship?

Creating an atmosphere of love, caring, respect, concern and so-on, go hand-in-hand with a good friendship and a good relationship. Friends tend to rely on each other, turning toward each other in times of stress and joy.

Friends deal with conflict positively and with humour, even when the conflict is not resolved.

Friends share meanings.

They have things in common. They share understandings and they constantly exchange these shared meanings and understandings; sometimes without speaking.

A glance or a nod or raised eyebrow is enough. When this spontaneously happens on first meeting it feels like a miracle.

Limmerance sets in and the honeymoon stage of the relationship is operating. When it happens with a couple after many years of being together it is often the product of much hard work.

They have shared meanings with each other for years. An outsider in their company sometimes feels like a third wheel. The third person just does not get what they are on about.

The couple that has this unspoken way of communicating has probably gone through the process of exchanging ideas many times. In a formal setting one person might say to another — “I’d like to tell you what I think about...”

The other person would then say — “So what I heard you say was...” If the original person thinks the other has the wrong idea about what was said they will then correct it and then hear back the correction. The couple have a shared an understanding.

When relationships are firing well there is usually no need for this endless clarification of what is being said. However, when a couple are antagonistic toward each other it is critical they are careful about what is being said.

Some serious sessions face-to-face using this kind of clarification tool can clear up many misunderstandings.
When couples are not getting on well it is time to flip back to page ??? to re-read what people say about what makes their relationship good. These qualities are global. everyone says they like to feel respected, cared for, acknowledged, heard and so-on