How differentiation of self plays out in our lives

We all respond to our upbringing by assuming the mantle of our parents or who ever nurtures (or doesn't) in the early years of our life. The atmosphere and mood in the family, father's patriarchal attitudes, mothers domineering or nagging, sibling rivalry, nurturing and sustaining behaviours, acting-out, rebelling ... the many relationship patterns that inevitably occur in families.

These all influence how " we are in the world". Our level of differentiation is often similar to our parents. "Life father like son." "She acts just like her mother." How often do you hear these comments? Acting the opposite to our parents (rebelling) also reflects our level of differentiation. Low if we are rebelling and also low if we are acquiescing.
Societal pressures

Gay and lesbian individuals and couples are influenced by societal pressures as much as heterosexual people. However, the gay and lesbian community have additional pressures. Primarily the pressure to be straight. If you have a different take on how life should lived it is likely you are going to have to withstand the pressure to conform.

Given the pressures put upon us by our families and "society" there is an understanding of the fear, hate and discomfort we, as practising or non-practising homosexuals have for ourselves. Seems illogical I know but enough people telling us enough times and we begin to believe we are just plain wrong about our most intimate and meaningful feelings, emotions, ideas and life expectations.

The false self

Because of these pressures (outlined above), there is a tendency to "go along with" what the majority say in order to "be a part" of the group, rather than face the lonely and isolating feelings that accompany "being apart" — being separate, being different.

This "going along with" creates a false self (pseudo-self) that other people see. They see you as agreeing with them, while you are secretly wishing for something else.

The false self may even fool the real self into believing that they really want what the false self says it wants. Unfortunately, the real self is much more clever than we think and eventually the stresses and strains of maintaining the false self position plays out in the way we act out... using alcohol and drugs, sex, shopping, gambling etc. to numb the pain of reality.
Congruency

The tension created by the existence (necessity) of the pseudo-self establishes an incongruence that although may never be obvious, other people will "get a feeling" that you are not being true to yourself. This in turn creates a space between you and your family, friends, loved ones, that keeps you distant.

Being congruent (true to yourself) allows other people to feel a connectedness.
Cut-off

We all long for connectedness but also have a great need for individuality. The pulls and pushes of these are our primary response to being in the world, participating in life.

When we seek individuality at the expense of togetherness because we are afraid of commitment or closeness our behaviour sometimes exhibits "cut-off".

Cutting off occurs because the pain of facing the real self position (what our self essence says we want) is so great that in order to survive we have to divorce ourselves from the things that are frustrating our desire to be real.

That feeling of relief that we feel when we are fired (or we finally resign) from that job we hate is a little like finally accepting the "real self position". For years we may have stayed in the job against our better judgement and feelings because we had to... we need the money or whatever.

When the moment arises that we leave, finally we can admit to our selves, and everybody else, that we hate the job and we are leaving. The fears of not having the job are less than the frustrations and bad feelings of being in the job.

This scenario describes how we are able to cut-off from our real feelings in order to get a weekly pay. In our relationships we can also cut off by leaving the family or our partner or staying but emotionally cutting-off by giving them the silent treatment or withdrawing support.