Why tell people...

only you can decide

Why tell people... only you can decide

Because of these pressures (outlined above), there is a tendency to "go along with" what the majority say in order to "be a part" of the group, rather than face the lonely and isolating feelings that accompany "being apart" — being separate, being different.

This "going along with" creates a false self (pseudo-self) that other people see. They see you as agreeing with them, while you are secretly wishing for something else.

The false self may even fool the real self into believing that they really want what the false self says it wants. Unfortunately, the real self is much more clever than we think and eventually the stresses and strains of maintaining the false self position plays out in the way we act out... using alcohol and drugs, sex, shopping, gambling etc. to numb the pain of reality.

Only you can decide if the dilemma of withholding your true identity or telling other people is too taxing on your ability to function in every day society.

Some people never tell anyone else. They live a closeted life, separating their sexuality and activities around this from their family and work. They feel that telling people is too compromising to their career or family responsibilities.

Often, gay people get married and have children on order to disguise their true feelings.

Other people's reactions
When we tell people important information about ourselves it is good to choose the time and place. Not a good idea to tell your mum and dad in front of everyone at the family Xmas dinner. Take them aside and quietly explain what you you feel comfortable revealing.

Make sure your support team is at hand in case their reaction is bad.

Comfortable with labels
Being ok about the terms used around your sexuality means putting up with people calling you a poofter or fag or dyke or queer. Many homosexuals learn to wear these labels like a badge, a badge they are proud of. This, however, may take some courage and time to get used to the idea.

Coming out for gays and lesbians...

can mean several things —

recognising your sexual attraction to members of same sex
wondering, "Can I do this by myself or do I need support?"
stating this recognition openly to your family, friends, colleagues
coming to an acceptance of the (different)
reactions of family, friends, colleagues
feeling comfortable with terms (labels) like gay, lesbian, queer, dyke to describe yourself
dealing with discrimination and violence because of your sexuality

.. and possibly many more things.

That's the thing about human beings, we are all different.

Some of the dilemmas for people thinking of coming out is...

what will my parents say?
What will my boss say?
What will my friends say?
What will my minister say?

Sometimes —

What will my wife and kids say?
For people who live in the public eye —
What will my public say?

For people living in the public eye it is often very important to keep sexuality a secret. This attitude only enforces the public's attitude toward the acceptance of alternative lifestyles.

It is all very well for already famous and successful people to come out and reveal their true sexual inclination. They will usually be accepted because of their fame and importance.

It would braver and far more beneficial to the community at large, and the homosexual community in particular, if they were open about their sexuality from the beginning.

When we demean one aspect of the community we demean all of the community.
Notwithstanding the argument that our sexuality is really our own business, knowing about celebrities and well known people who eventually do come out, would make life and acceptance easier and more celebratory than it is for many people.

Role models are important for all of us. As a teenager, as I explored my sexuality, while all around me were spinning their lies and deceit about my sexuality, I suffered in ignominy of isolation, scorn and a demeaned reputation. How I would have rejoiced knowing a role model or two.

Even worse were the rumours and gossip surrounding people who were "suspected" of "being homosexual".

Accepting your self; recognising yourself

The coming-out process begins when we start to recognise our attitudes and feelings, (sometimes contradictory, sometimes affirming) toward our sexuality. Because there are "societal norms" governing most aspects of our lives, you may find homosexuality at odds with what a lot of other people believe is "normal" or "right"

Will I need support?
In order to come to terms with your mixed emotions around coming out you may want to seek help and support. Identifying who you can ask is important. You may feel that talking to one or two friends will be helpful. Or your parents. Or you may seek an organisation or counsellor.

Knowing that what you are feeling or thinking is not wrong can be very helpful in your self acceptance. Hearing this from other people can aid this process.

You will need support from someone or from many people if you are experiencing difficulty around your sexuality.

Discrimination

Coming out can mean you will face direct or indirect discrimination, harassment, verbal or physical abuse and generally be given a pretty hard tome by people who are not open to difference and differentiation.

Many people cannot handle other people being different to them. If you are living, working or playing with these people your life can become miserable. Sometimes we are unable to do anything about these situations and that can leave you with a sense of frustration or being stuck that seems insurmountable.

Being able to talk to people about these feelings and situations can make all the difference to how you cope. As we grow from children to adults we are talking a lot of our parent's and family's ideas, belief system into